Post-Apocalyptic Cooking: Some Tips to Get You Started

As we all know, the End is Near.

Image via Komo News, www.komonews.com

Not the zombie apocalypse -- the CDC has reminded us that zombies aren't real. Yet.

I'm talking about the REAL End Days -- the moments leading up to the Eschaton, the final judgment for all people. Why is the world ending? You might ask. I'll tell you: I don't know.

But the Internet has made it quite clear that it probably definitely will. According to the interwebs, common symptoms of the apocalypse may include:

-Collapse of social institutions, such as kickball teams and celebrity chef cooking shows

-Nuclear winter

-The destruction/hacking/solar flare burn-up of the power grid

-Universal health care

-Extreme food shortages

With this in mind, it makes perfect sense that my friend Joanne, who blogs far more delicious food and far more frequently than I over at fifteenspatulas.com, would have received a letter from a reader suggesting he was appalled my friend doesn't own a solar oven or a 30-year supply of food.

I am inspired, then, to add to the useful apocalypse related news and tools on the Internet by providing my beloved readers with this post (full list after the jump):

Post-Apocalyptic Cooking: Some Tips to Get You Started

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For the Vegans: Lemon-Nutmeg Acorn Squash

This one is for all the vegans out there.

Cue the Barry White. Probably something like "You're the First, the Last, My Everything."

Hey there. I know you don't eat meat, and you don't consume animal byproducts at all. I know that sometimes, it feels like Hungry Sam doesn't care. But I do. And I want to make it up to you.

I've been trying, you see. I showed you who to make a pretty super brussels sprouts salad recently -- but that had cheese. I gave you my recipe for shakshuka, but that has cheese AND eggs. I know you, as a vegan, need something else, something special.

So here's an easy, simple, tasty recipe I whipped up last night -- literally. Adapted from a recipe in this month's Everyday Food, here's Lemon-Nutmeg Whipped Acorn Squash:

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Enough Habañeros to Kill a Reasonably Small Army

I've always thought of the habañero pepper much as I do the jaguar or great white shark -- they're all pretty to look at, rather dangerous, but not really my problem. 

Sure, I had a run-in with habañeros in high school, but I foolishly sought that out (when you don't know what these chilies can do, a recipe for habañero salsa with equal parts chilies and tomatoes doesn't seem so problematic). Sure, habañeros are hot, but I'm just not going to stumble across these piquant little fireballs in my sheltered, everyday American life.

However, during my time in Mexico, I had to actively avoid habañero peppers. Perhaps one in three of my meals came with a roasted habañero chili on the plate, whether as garnish or an integral part of the meal I'll never know, because my Spanish language education (generally adequate for my Yucatecan adventure needs) did not cover the word for garnish (it appears to be "guarnicion").   

Moreover, I came across this impressive stand at el Mercado Municipal in the city of Mé rida:

It hurts just to look at. Also, the price is five pesos per bag -- about 38 cents. Cheap!

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The Great 5-Hour Energy Experiment

Just seconds ago, I drank a 5-Hour Energy brand energy shot. Like Dr. Henry Jekyll's potion, it has begun to wreak terrible changes within me.

"The Transformation: 'Great God! Can it Be???'"

Dawn, upon hearing I'd done so, just said, "Uh oh." Based on the sickening, pseudo-fruity aftertaste I'm currently "enjoying," I'm beginning to agree with her assessment.

Update: I drank the bottle 5 minutes ago. Pretty gross, no immediate discernible impact on my energy level. I'm still yawning.

Allow me to back up. Now, I'm a pretty energetic person, and have generally been scornful of those who needed "energy drinks" to feel normal. "Pshaw!" I say. "They should just do what I do and drink 30 plus ounces of coffee every day!"

Alright, maybe there's not much of a distinction. Yes, I know I have a little problem -- but to be fair, 30 ounces of coffee is slightly less than two Starbucks mediums, or grandes, or what have you.

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Gratuitous Jokes about My Divorced Eggs

I'm not totally insane. I know that most of the foods and dishes I blog about wouldn't amuse a normal person as much as they amuse me.

However, the whole table at Mexican brunch (Don Jaime's in Mt. Pleasant) on Sunday found some humor in this dish:

It's called Huevos Divorciados. Yes, that's right, Spanglish speakers: I ate "divorced eggs" for breakfast.

Now, this might seem perplexing if you don't know the backstory to this sad yet delicious state of things. But I think I've pieced it together.

Warning: I'm about to take something moderately amusing way too far.

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Avocado Margaritas, Decoy Cakes, and SLIDERS TO GO

I hope all my hungry readers had an excellent and food-filled Labor day weekend! I was in Santa Fe at a pretty fantastic wedding, so mine was jam packed with interesting and decadent foods and drinks. And some incredibly cool touches, like sliders! In a doggy bag! After the wedding at like 11 PM. I was physically and gastronomically incapable of leaving that wedding hungry.

Read on for more.

Although I was in constant possession of my camera, you'll have to forgive me if I was primarily focused on people. I did, however, get a few good pictures of some of the dishes served. Perhaps the most exotic of these (and one for which I have yet to find a recipe) was this Avocado Margarita:

"That's right, woah," I respond to your inevitable exclamation. "Woah indeed."

Come to think of it, this might be as simple as blending the makings for a margarita with half an avocado. 

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Apparently, Freedom Tastes Like...Cheese

This shouldn't surprise me, but it would seem that freedom tastes like cheese.

FONDUE IN A RICE COOKER = BLOWING MY MIND.

How do I know? Well, as self-appointed office Food Czar (yeah, it's in my email signature...sometimes), I'm the "organizer" of sporadic department potlucks or food excursions. I equivocate on the term "organizer" because all I do is send an Outlook invite and come up with an absurd, poorly thought-out theme. 

For the potluck I "organized" last week -- a thank you and farewell lunch for our awesome interns -- my absurd, poorly thought-out theme for the dishes was the following: I encouraged everyone to make and bring a dish that provides an answer to "What does freedom taste like to me?"

Really, don't ask me how I think of these ideas.

Anyways, it turns out that we had an extreme preponderance of cheese. I brought freedom baguette with freedom Camembert and a homemade strawberry-thyme compote (get it? Ok, lame, but tasty), but there were pizzas (freedom to order over the internet, i.e. speech), cupcake-sized cheesecakes (I think this one was freedom to choose your own toppings), and a classic fondue lovingly crafted in a rice cooker (BRILLIANT; meant to symbolize freedom of association AND America's melting-pot nature).

To dip in fondue.

I also covered pizza in fondue, which sort of makes a First Amendment sandwich (freedom of association and speech, plus the freedom to later practice a religion in honor thereof).

It's a lousy picture, but trust me: It's pizza with a healthy glomp of Gruyere fondue

Other dishes were tasty and creative too. We had a pasta salad that, to the creator, represented freedom in that it's the first dish she could make with confidence after leaving home. One of my Yehudi brethren made a Ashkenazi charoset, the traditional apple, walnut, wine and honey dish eaten at Passover -- which is ALL about freedom. We had vegetables to be slathered in a number of different dips (freedom of choice) and chips to dip in choices of salsa.  But clearly, the focus was cheese.

 

All in all, we had potluck success. And each of us ate many times the recommended daily serving of cheese.